C'est n'est pas une blog

upstairs...

i'm spending the day upstairs
in my head
with too much coffee starting to bubble
bauble
babble, i stumble down
sun in my eyes
dark inside
sweaty fingers typing away
can't read what i say
i'm a thousand miles away
thinking of a place or time
where i could have been
anywhere but here
anywhere but now
a squint-eyed, hunched, general malaise
crawling the streets
clawing the brown dirt
waiting for a dust storm
to shield me from view
tired of crawling
i fall into the hole
and sleep

can't think of a title...

too much coffee
makes it difficult
and the sun beating down
doesn't help
so i'm thinking i'll tell myself
another lie
just one more
to keep me going through the day
and make me feel i belong here
i belong her

Saturday, Sunday, what day is it...?

All these holidays make me loose track of what day it is.  I'm starting to thing that I might be better off just naming the day of the week by what sort of day it feels like.  So, today is Sunday.  Yesterday was Sunday as well.  I'm guessing tomorrow will be Sunday as well.  It gives the old phrase month of Sundays a whole new (and somewhat sinister) meaning.

Generally, a "Sunday" involves 2 parts bitterness, 4 parts tequila, and a lime.  Add some Smashing Pumpkins (you can choose your own anger music, the Pumpkins just work for me) and try to stay off the road.  I've been able to manage this last one lately through the use of taxis and drunken crawls around town.   Although I had avoided taxis in the past, I decided to stop driving so much lately, due to several mornings of "where is my car" and "how did that happen to my car."  Plus, I have a headlight and a taillight out, so it seems like a good idea not to drive.

Today, I for some reason agreed to meet with a client.  This is always a negative, as I can't start really drinking until after the meeting.  And god could I use a drink this morning.  Instead, I'm stuck here drinking coffee and looking at the specimens that pass for humans these days.  I'm already irritated by everything, and I haven't even begun drinking - I take this as a sign that I should lock myself in a closet tonight.

That's where I slept last night.  Next time I move I really need to get a place with a bigger closet.  Not too big, of course, as that would defeat the entire purpose of the closet.  The closet at my current place is about three by three - four by four would be about perfect.  I don't know if I would advise anyone else to do it, but it works for me.

The best part about drinking so much last night, I woke up and my cold was gone.  It just takes some dedication. Blah, blah, blah, blah....

Anyway, some music.  Today I'm working off the shuffle, so let's see what pops up.

Replacements - Valentine.  I don't know why I picked this one today, if I had been able to drink before I wrote this it would be something else, like Answering Machine.  Oh well.  "If you were a pill, I'd take a handful at my will."

Elvis Costello - Clowntime is Over.  Almost a dirge, and something I usually don't pick.  Jealous lover by the waterfront?  "He don't step back as expected, He's otherwise and unprotected."  Aren't we all.

Beck - Beercan.  Maybe I'm just projecting here.  The song is nothing but great lines, so I'll just be lazy and pick the first.  "Alcohol on my hands, I got plans to ditch myself and get outside ."  Sounds like a good idea.

I'm a little to burned and flat to continue this without a drink.  I'll probably be back later.

rip it out, please

tired
of pretending
you admit i'm god
and your god
but you're a slave
and i'm a slave to you
and it makes me want to sleep
sleep forever
looking at this fragile form of
superman
knowing god is so weak
and i'm dragged around this altar
wondering which is kinder
keeping me here
or letting me die
here in this hole
i want to fall into
i belong
i'll sleep tonight
and if i wake
wake
i'll fall off
to where I belong
tomorrow
kinder
gentler
gone

the world doesn't need me here.

new, same old, old...

it's black
pitch
trying to get beyond sad
to anger
where i feel
in control
control
doesn't everyone want control
in the bottom of a basket
a tisket
a tasket
i'd leave anger behind
just to feel a flat line again
that beautiful flat line
flat line
flatline
numb
ending the highs and lows
just nothing is better
than thinking of you there
not here
now.

?...

the season's over
i can tell, the needles come off in my hand
i tried to iron a white shirt
but after i finished the back
it was pointless
i could tell
and i might have burnt my hands
i quit
the lights off
to avoid a flame up
you told me it was a no-brainer
i forgot and left my brain on
and walked myself into this dark spot
left myself
left myself wanting to crawl back to this small spot
dark spot
in the closet by the hamper
i rest
and hide from you
warm, soft, alone
not so exposed
hopefully left here to fade
as I hide it from you
you're so bright
don't let me
be a blot on you.

yada nada...

quickly i become
nobody
i feel myself shrinking
in your eyes
i'm curious about my demise
i look forward to extricating myself from this absurd position
i'm dangling in
Friday again
i've learned to forget
the lack of focus helps me ignore the days
that I leave behind
or the ones i'm stuck with here.

Back again....

Back again tonight, so I'm sure we all know what that means.  No need to really get into it further, lets move on to the music.  Four glasses of sake, and now a Cuba Libre to get up some revolutionary fervor for - yes, you guessed it, Gang of Four.  It's only 7, so who knows how late into the night I'll make it.  Better get started fast.  First up:

Gang of Four - Damaged Goods.  The change will do you good.  Pounding bass and drums, my my favorite staccato guitar.  What more can one say about one of the greatest bands of their era.  "The change will do you good, I always knew it would, I'm kissing you goodbye."  It was so good that I had to let it continue onto the next song, and the next and the next.  I can't believe I listened to an entire album without switching out.  Even better than Skafish.  Is there a line between the private and the political?  If so, blur it.

Elvis Costello - I'm not Angry.  No bitter night would be complete without it.  Pure, early, young, Costello - back when he still wanted to die before he became shit.  Guess we can't stick to our guns.  Amazing that he managed to make this album with the backing band he had at the time.  Makes me want to go out and buy a Jazzmaster and stand cross-legged.  Still my favorite, the first - "You're upstairs with a boyfriend while I'm left here to listen."  P.S. If you put the album on, be sure to hit Less than Zero and Waiting for the End of the World as well.

Echo and the Bunnymen - "Villiers Terrace."  Makes me miss Echo.  All I can say is "Bopsie waddy waddy, Shake your money."  I'm sure you know what I mean.

Everclear - "

large coffee, please...

...and that day was pretty good.  Then there was another.  It was pretty good as well, although the ending not so.  Still, it is another day now, and after that there will be another as well. Like I said before, it always seems to happen that way.

I'll try to avoid writing about Skafish today.  Really.  Although, I do love his music, and still wonder to this day how the old folks at home are doing.

Anyway, on to something else.  Anything else.

It's hard to saw what will strike my fancy today.  I should really get some new furniture for my office.  Actually, I guess I should say I should really get some furniture for my office.  There is nothing there other than a printer (sitting on the box it came in) and stacks of paper.  The other people in the building (yes, there are two now) are starting to look in oddly when the walk past my office.   I also need to get a truck or some sort of large vehicle  to move the painting out of my old office.  It's a rather large print of Edvard Munch's The Scream, far too large to fit in most cars.  I have to place it behind whatever spot I decide to place my chair in (when I get a chair) so that people visiting me in the office will have to look at it.  That should keep foot traffic to a minimum.

Anyway, on to something else... if I haven't lost all readers yet by this point.  [note to self: stop blogging about office furniture.]

I'm spending the morning out here by the coffee shop, drinking cup after cup of coffee.  Luckily, it is sunny yet still cold enough to wear a jacket.  I hate not being able to wear a jacket.  I could complain all day, and I probably will.  But I'm sure you already know that, unless this is your first day here.   If it is your first day here, it will probably be your last.  You may want to come back next week, when I'm, drinking again.

A little music would be in order as well this morning.  You may notice a slight Jazz Butcher and friends bias, as it seems I have put that back into heavy rotation these days.  I try to come up with something unrelated as well.

First up, the classic Jazz Butcher song "Down the Drain."  I'm not positive, but I do believe that Max Eider is actually signing this one.  A simple little ditty, with a circular structure.  You could sing it forever, or at least I could.   Favorite verse (today) - "Well I wish I'd been born in a bar, I wouldn't have to walk so bloody far, I'd peel back my cranium, put my brain in a jar, if only I'd been born in a bar."

and then it was the next day...

It's odd how it happens like that. Every morning I wake up and it's the next day. Today it was a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach and I felt like I had a hangover. Oddly, I didn't have anything to drink last night.

I was starting to wonder if my life had become too strangely complicated. I was also wondering if I had intentionally made my life too complicated. There were getting to be way too many layers and too many things that I simply couldn't explain to others. Let's face it, there are parts that I can't even explain to myself.

Sitting here now, I have no idea how today will turn out. I was laying here earlier wondering about it, and then I realized that if I continued to do that I would spend the entire day in bed wondering what was going to happen - and that would become what had happened today. Even sending the day drinking would be a better use of my time, so I decided jump in the shower. No better way to see what the day will bring than to sttart it.