Not sure what this is going to end up being today, so I've assigned it all of the usual categories. Anyway...
I had an epiphany this morning. I realized I had fallen into an old trap of my own making. Generally, I have a pretty keen grip on reality, and understand that the world isn't going to change to suit me. But lately, it seems, I have been thinking that the world was going to change to suit me, to be what I wanted to be - and that's a dangerous train of thought. When you think you can change the world, you think that you can have whatever you want. This is belief in power as well, and as you should know, power attempts to fill a vacuum, whether the vacuum is real or simply perceived (fn. Just ask Al "As of now, I am in control here in the White House." Haig).
Strangely, most people think they can change the world. That accounts for most of the flailing about you see every day. But then I remembered, I can't change the world. There is really only one thing I can control - myself. Lately, I was looking at the puzzle all wrong.
Here is the essence of the puzzle: There are two things here, me and the world. The goal is to make these two things co-exist, more or less peacefully. There are two options. (a) I can try to make the world do what I want it to; or (b) I can make myself accept the world as it is. Whichever solution I choose, the equation is balanced the same way - on one side there is one object (me) and on the other side there are trillions of objects (the world). I've been trying to work the problem using option (a). But a corollary of Occam's razor should have been guiding me. When faced with trying to change a trillion things or trying to change one thing, the solution is obvious. You change one thing.
So, what do I do now? Start by looking at the junctures between myself and the world that I want to change. When I examine them, I realize these bridges are the source of pain and imbalance. Why? They're based on fantasy, on dreams, and when I try to live in a dream, I'm disappointed with life. Why? Because I inevitably compare my dream to reality, and find they aren't the same.
Instead, I should be embracing what I have, rather than hoping for more. I had been hoping for a different day, but now that I look at the day I have, it's an incredible day. The sky is a beautiful blue, the sun is up, and I'm sitting alone on the quiet back patio, having a cup of coffee, having a very good cup of coffee, looking up at the hillside. Although I should probably be working at the moment, I have the freedom to sit here and spend the morning writing, which is what I love. I can disconnect from the work day, chuck the cell phones in a drawer, resist the urge to check my email, and do this instead.
And that's what I'm going to do. The phones are chucked, the email is closed, and only the day is in front of me. Stop thinking about what I want, and look at the riches I have right here in front of me. I'm going to take a walk, be back in a few.
...
Which brings me back to a book I read no too long ago - "Wanting Enlightenment Is a Big Mistake" by Seung Sahn. The point of the book, I think (but don't trust me on this, I'm hardly a Zen master, if you haven't figured that out already) is that when you spend all your time seeking "enlightenment" (or whatever you may call it) you'll never achieve it. The reason is that enlightenment is really the appreciation of life itself, and when you spend your time pursuing a vision (dream) of what you think enlightenment is, you miss the reality of life and the beauty that exists there already. Maybe another way of saying it is that you don't need to search for "enlightenment" because it's always there - you just need to stop and see it.
I can see that I'm not doing a good job explaining this. But then again, maybe that's the point. It's not really something I can explain, it's something you have to experience yourself.
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It's funny. When I think about what I tend to write here, I realize you see only a tiny sliver of me. If you were to meet me in real life, you wouldn't recognize me. I'm known to my friends as a generally happy and funny person. A little odd, granted, but someone people are glad to see show up. I'm rarely depressed. I don't get into fights, don't hold grudges. I guess writing here is my way of working through things and purging my demons.
...
A few songs today, not much to say about them at the moment.
Husker Du - All this I've done for you. "
Should I talk to the mirror, should I talk to a wall, should I even talk at all."
Lloyd Cole - Mister Malcontent. "Cut off my nose despite my face, and I will not more longer wait, or should I laugh or should I cry. as I become all I despise."
