C'est n'est pas une blog

back, down...

it feels like a little less
and i've gone
back down
putting distance
between me
and the rest
thinking tears would follow
i run dry
already back to where
i came
from
calm
empty
dulled in a hole
regarding nothing
three shots down
i'd usually be depressed
just waiting now
for the train ride back
to
hibernation
declination

vacant...

i was trying
to keep me out of this
i
the thing
and leave it unsaid
better left
unsaid
so i won't say it
almost there anyway
settle
down
and compress
all those feeling, urges
on the head of a pin
wrap it in a paper towel
or tissue
tuck it in a deep pocket
of a jacket
i never wear
in the back of the closet
dusty shoulders
that won't be
leaned on
'til i fall asleep sitting
and my head falls to the right

forget the question...

moving down the street
in half steps
and gesture
wiping away worry
forgetting to care
dreaming of sleep
dreamless sleep
let the tide pound the shore
lay down in the sand
going where it takes
drift under and leave
behind
between caring and letting
let
fall
free
to be or not
the same thing
an empty spot trying to occupy
the heart
wonder if it was
don't wonder
don't think
don't dream
don't remember
omit

not...

laying in the grass
staring at the moon
almost full
of itself
drifts from cloud to cloud
each space up there
as good as the last
in the blue black night

a little more night music ...

Just a little more night music while I work in another space...

Hoodoo Gurus - Dig it Up.  Off of the classic "Stoneage Romeos" album, I just managed to find a copy of this tonight.           A light tale of the the singer's deceased girlfriend (might make it a theme with the addition of the Jazz Butcher's "Zombie Love")  "You can't bury love, You've gotta dig it up"

Big Audio Dynamite - E=MC2.  I know, it supposed to be in the superscript, but I can't seem to figure out how to do that.  Another album that I finally managed to locate.  In the great debate between the Sex Pistols and the Clash, I always feel squarely in the Clash camp.  Not that I don't like the Sex Pistols, but there was really no contest.  The Sex Pistols were ultimately a one album band, and you could hardly blame this on the death of Sid Vicious, he was a marginal addition to the band at best.  The Clash, on the other hand, had a depth that could be managed by only a few bands.  As I may have mentioned earlier, I try to set aside the time at least once a year to listen to Sandinista from start to finish.  I was rather surprised that after they Strummer/Jones split I preferred Jones' new band (Big Audio Dynamite) to the remainder of the Clash.  " Ritual ideas relativity, Only buildings no people prophecy, Timeslide place to hide nudge reality, Foresight minds wide magic imagery."  Your guess is as good as mine.

Husker Du - I Apologize.  Back to a little Husker Du, it's getting late and something loud and fast is needed to keep me awake.  I'm really listening to the whole album, but this song happens to be playing as I write this.  Pretty much anything on this album is great.  A reminder about inertia and decay?  "So now sit around staring at the walls, we don't do anything at all, take out the garbage, maybe, but the dishes don't get done." 

insert title here later...

along the spine and neck
muscles seized
wrapped in duct tape
inflexible
out the window
the sky
orange streaked
darkens
a red light flashes on the sofa
deja vu
brings them both together
again

Knowing what to do vs. doing it...

I'm spending the day alternating between deciding what I should do, and sleeping to avoid having to think about it.  I still be sleeping now, but it seems it is simply impossible to sleep any more at this point.  So I came back here, a perfect place to pretend.  On one hand, I'm thinking about the problem, trying to decide what to do.  On the other hand, this is as good a place as any to avoid actually dealing with things.

How about a little music to listen to while not dealing with things?  A bit of distraction is always handy, even a lot of distraction would help. I just need to make it about 4 more hours tonight, just 4.

Music, right?  First up:

Joe Strummer & The Mescaleros - Coma Girl.  The first track off the very nice Streetcore album, on my first listen it seemed to me almost as if it was a Mick Jones song.  "I was thinking about love and the acid test."

Frank Black - (Do What You Want) Gyaneshwar. Not actually released yet on an album as far as I know, but the video has already been released as a teaser I assume.  You can see it here:



There are also several live versions available on youtube, although I'd be careful - every time I visit that site I black out, suddenly it's 3 hours later, and I have no idea what I've been doing.  Now that I describe it, it might be just the thing for me now...and suddenly all the people I seem to see perpetually watching that site make sense too - it really is a beautiful way to avoid looking at or thinking about your life. I'll try that for a bit and report back later.

Starcastic, Skafish, Replacements, Angst, MDC, Jam, Jazz Butcher, Pixies, Stranglers, Style Counsel, Juliam Cope, Pere Ubu, yada, yada, plus yada, reset, null.

warm...

at night
bundled
under the sheets
arms and legs entwined
we rest
in our cocoon
you
peaceful
like a child
drop off to sleep
in minutes
me
i'm too full of the wonder of you
can't sleep
and lay there
watching you glow
watching you breath
i brush your cheek
mesh fingers in your hair
after all this time
it still amazes me to be here with you
(and
i'll admit
disoriented to wake when you're not)
sometimes
i think i could watch all night
under the Christmas lights
i
kiss your back
neck and
cheek
bury my head between shoulder blades
occasionally you rustle
with
a murmur
a sound
a soft squeal
you squeeze back unconsciously
as if to see if I'm still there too
and smile
then drop back off to sleep
i lay down my head
forehead pressed against your back
i drift off
overcome
feeling
it's a miraculous thing
to be so close
we're two
but also
one

I think that I shall never see...

...well, at least not one of mine...

zzzzzzzzzzzz.......

I should be
sleeping
but instead
i'm laying here
letting my fingers drop on the keyboard
(a job i should have long ago turned over to more talented monkeys)
it's all purged
fingers barely move
thought is gone
calm
clear
stare at the wall
wait for sleep to arrive
warm
inviting
an instant
eternity
drifting in place
and wake up to tomorrow
tomorrow
which is already
now