C'est n'est pas une blog

...fini

Another beautiful day, the sun out, sitting on the back patio listing to some Style Council and drinking an iced tea.  Alas, my run here has ended.  It's time to say goodbye, and wish you a pleasant life without this darkness.

               - 30 -

backtrack duet...

each day it seems
the messages grow colder
as you pull back
and i
(unlike a conquering army)
retreat as well
neither wanting to be hurt
through this pull back
we ensure our pain
to avoid feeling
rejected...

morning comes, again...

morning comes
but night falls
i assume morning is more graceful
although
it doesn't feel that way
too bright
and i can be seen
caught again
in the glare
of smiles and hellos
with my pieces visible
to strangers' eyes
night falls dark
its almost void
makes my void seem normal
inky syrup
bathes me in shadowy, impenetrable, cover
obscuring my bungling
attempt
at life

hearing...

i tried to sleep
again
to sleep
or at the least go
blank
but when i got close
to drift in black
i heard the door
your voice calling
and i stumbled across the house in the dark
turned on the light
to an empty kitchen
and realized
i had fooled myself
as usual...

ambition decay...

once every 20 years or so
i try and
go out on a limb
it hasn't ended well yet
which may explain
the 20 years between attempts
now
that this failure has arrived
looking for the silver
lining
i think
at least i didn't fall in a hospital this time
(yet)
and remember climbing trees is not for
the heartless
like me
with too little practice in the ski
and make a note
to stick to the
bunny slopes for the next 20 years

head cocked, neck twisted
sitting back on the sofa
where we braided ourselves before
i absorb the loss
try to shrink my heart
and replace that unneeded space
with the new, numb core
needed to stumble through the years
ahead
with a new not to do list:
1) don't dream (you'll only wake up);
2) don't try (you'll only fail);
3) don't hope (it brings despair);
4) don't speak (you won't like the reply);
5) don't climb (you'll only fall);
6) don't fly (you'll only find your cage);
7) don't dance (you'll only stumble);
8) don't kiss (you're only a frog);
9) don't give (you'll just be taken);
10) stay out of the sun (you'll just be burned); and
11) don't think of the future (you can die any day, if you're lucky)

cacoethes scribendi...

just a night
looking sleepless again
throbing head and a heating pad
sake and xanax
although normally a pleasant combo
provide no relief
trying a walk outside in the cool air
of night
but the sky
just makes me small
and back inside
trying to read between the lines of
emails and sms
that say little
like talking about the weather
the silence speaks volumes
at best
or am i just oblivious
desire clouding
the answer i don't want to see
defeat
of a dream
unshared

a productive funk...

the funk
of waiting
played in blue and green
contemplating
a pair cut neat
an oddity
to me at least
the outer part sweet, white
the inner a brown rot
(and i wasn't even looking for imagery tonight, just a bite, peckish late at night, it seems)
and it just stares me in the face
i stare back
half expecting a reply
while it set there on a white napkin...

after a few minutes
(i'm silly enough as it is, but waiting for a pair to talk threw even me)
walking in socks to the kitchen
and
into the bin it went
i paused looking after it for a sign
and seeing none
turned
returning to a chair by the fire
waiting
for the phone to ring.

respite, revoked...

night now
has come again
a formal solitary dance with me
trying not to dwell
on the question
did i
obliviate
myself trying to get to me
lost in a forest
too hard to even see the trees
much less a path
i recall
when i was a child
and was told when lost it is best to
stay
where you are
it seems like bad advice
when you think about it
but looking around now
it
explains a lot

morning, just morning...

morning came
passed
and wonder what will become
of it all
now
that words unsaid
were spoken
in the light of the sun
rather than contemplated alone in the night
as they usually are
parting then
and afternoon comes
waiting
to know.

uncertain evening...

just
waiting
worried, wondering
what will happen if we dare talk about it
or if we don't

i could use the talk
but
likely can't
start
it
and she, i think, would like to
avoid it

status quo
status quo ante
or
will i be in wonderment
quod erat demonstrandum?