C'est n'est pas une blog

eventually, they throw you away...

Last night I was watching a movie (Defending Your Life) that I had seen several times before.  The basic premise is, for me at least, original and funny - that after you die, there is no heaven or hell, you just go to a place where a trial is held to determine if you should go on to the next level of existence.  I guess I shouldn't call it a trial - that's one of the running jokes in the movie: that although you sit in a room with a defender and a prosecutor, and there are two people in judges robes who listen to testimony, rule on objections, and ultimately decide whether the defender or prosecutor wins, it's not a trial.  Anyway, for some reason, I picked up on a line I didn't remember hearing before.  It's at the point where the main character (played by Albert Brooks) is talking about what is going to happen with his defender (brilliantly played by Rip Torn).  It comes up that if you win, you go onto the next place, and if you don't you have to go back to earth and live another life, and that this could go on hundreds of time.  Albert Brooks asks if this could just keep going on forever, and Rip Torn replies, "no, eventually they throw you away."

For some reason, that line really stuck a cord with me - I thought it was hilarious, but it also brought to mind one of the biggest problems I see with much of spirituality or religion (depending on how you wish to define the terms).   I'll confess, I not the most well versed person when it comes to these things.  My family is what I would describe as ethnically Jewish, but I've never been to a temple in my life (other than to vote).  My mother actually sent me to a christian church when I was a kid, but that's a whole other story.  Suffice it to say, I know a lot more about christianity than I do about any other religion (number 1 in my Sunday school class), but it always struck me as odd that you could be the biggest asshole in the world (I think most people reference Hitler here) but so long as you accept Jesus before you die, you go to heaven.  And everyone else goes to hell.  People often claim that religion (especially their religion) makes you a better person, but I've generally had the opposite experience - people who tend to think that since they can be forgiven, they might as well sin.

For that reason, I've thought the belief in no afterlife helps create better people.  If there is no heaven, no forgiveness, etc., you have to focus on the here and now, and create a better world, or at least do no harm.

Or perhaps there is something else, and if you fuck up too many times, they just throw you away.  And for some reason, I find that comforting.

That's an odd tangent.  Anyway, on to some music for tonight. 

Dropkick Murphys - Finnegan's Wake.  Not much to say about this one.   A classic song, and if you've ever been to an Irish pub, you've probably heard it before.  This was the first time I had heard this version, and I like it's exceedingly fast pace.

Enon - The Power of Yawning.  I seem to be a bit stuck on Enon lately, but I can't really complain - if I have to be stuck somewhere, it's not a bad place to be, and a good variety.  At times, Enon seems to be two, or possibly three, bands.  If you haven't done so yet, pick up an Enon album - High Society is a good start.   "It happens without apprehension, to wake us up, the power of yawning," or "as the feelings on the river head for the drain, a conscience and a trigger left at the reins."

Frank Black - You Ain't Me.  One of my all time favorites, off the seminal "The Cult of Ray" album.  As you may have guessed, Frank Black is obviously one of my favorite songwriters.  I listen to him so much, that it always seems to me that he is recognizable, but others always comment on just how different his albums can be from each other.  A great album from all angles.  My favorite from this song? "And like a man with his pet, you always seem to forget, that you ain't me."  Listening to The Cult of Ray now, I have to throw in a second song, Dance War.  Probably the closest thing he has done to hardcore, although that may have more to do with the subject of the song, and the vision in the pit - "Though I'm headed nowhere slamming in this pit, my brain was going to melt listening to your shit."  Pass it along.

I have to get back to work now...listen to the rest of the album if you have it.  If not, go out and buy it, and then listen to it.  Rinse, repeat.

a little more night music ...

Just a little more night music while I work in another space...

Hoodoo Gurus - Dig it Up.  Off of the classic "Stoneage Romeos" album, I just managed to find a copy of this tonight.           A light tale of the the singer's deceased girlfriend (might make it a theme with the addition of the Jazz Butcher's "Zombie Love")  "You can't bury love, You've gotta dig it up"

Big Audio Dynamite - E=MC2.  I know, it supposed to be in the superscript, but I can't seem to figure out how to do that.  Another album that I finally managed to locate.  In the great debate between the Sex Pistols and the Clash, I always feel squarely in the Clash camp.  Not that I don't like the Sex Pistols, but there was really no contest.  The Sex Pistols were ultimately a one album band, and you could hardly blame this on the death of Sid Vicious, he was a marginal addition to the band at best.  The Clash, on the other hand, had a depth that could be managed by only a few bands.  As I may have mentioned earlier, I try to set aside the time at least once a year to listen to Sandinista from start to finish.  I was rather surprised that after they Strummer/Jones split I preferred Jones' new band (Big Audio Dynamite) to the remainder of the Clash.  " Ritual ideas relativity, Only buildings no people prophecy, Timeslide place to hide nudge reality, Foresight minds wide magic imagery."  Your guess is as good as mine.

Husker Du - I Apologize.  Back to a little Husker Du, it's getting late and something loud and fast is needed to keep me awake.  I'm really listening to the whole album, but this song happens to be playing as I write this.  Pretty much anything on this album is great.  A reminder about inertia and decay?  "So now sit around staring at the walls, we don't do anything at all, take out the garbage, maybe, but the dishes don't get done." 

Knowing what to do vs. doing it...

I'm spending the day alternating between deciding what I should do, and sleeping to avoid having to think about it.  I still be sleeping now, but it seems it is simply impossible to sleep any more at this point.  So I came back here, a perfect place to pretend.  On one hand, I'm thinking about the problem, trying to decide what to do.  On the other hand, this is as good a place as any to avoid actually dealing with things.

How about a little music to listen to while not dealing with things?  A bit of distraction is always handy, even a lot of distraction would help. I just need to make it about 4 more hours tonight, just 4.

Music, right?  First up:

Joe Strummer & The Mescaleros - Coma Girl.  The first track off the very nice Streetcore album, on my first listen it seemed to me almost as if it was a Mick Jones song.  "I was thinking about love and the acid test."

Frank Black - (Do What You Want) Gyaneshwar. Not actually released yet on an album as far as I know, but the video has already been released as a teaser I assume.  You can see it here:



There are also several live versions available on youtube, although I'd be careful - every time I visit that site I black out, suddenly it's 3 hours later, and I have no idea what I've been doing.  Now that I describe it, it might be just the thing for me now...and suddenly all the people I seem to see perpetually watching that site make sense too - it really is a beautiful way to avoid looking at or thinking about your life. I'll try that for a bit and report back later.

Starcastic, Skafish, Replacements, Angst, MDC, Jam, Jazz Butcher, Pixies, Stranglers, Style Counsel, Juliam Cope, Pere Ubu, yada, yada, plus yada, reset, null.

Hoping to get a bit of writing done tonight, but n...

Hoping to get a bit of writing done tonight, but not sure how that is going to go.  That headache is still firmly ensconced in my head (where else would it be?) and getting  worse by the minute.  I was going to take something to knock me out so I could sleep for a bit, but I should probably figure out what is causing it instead.  These things are pretty much always mental for me.  Maybe half a sleeping pill, just so I can focus a bit.

Who knows?  In the meantime, here's an Enon video I came across.  I'm pretty sure I've mentioned the song ("Come Into") before, so I won't go through all that again.  You can just watch it if you'd like. Or not.  I think I should lay down for a few, see you when I get back.

Enough of that.  Laying down for a bit seems to be having no effect.  I think I'll just have to keep working through it, and maybe whatever is bothering me will come to the surface.  I don't know if I'll get that lucky tonight, but I do know these things never go away until I figure it out and do something about it.

Someone asked me a while back why I write a blog.  I guess it serves at least a couple of purposes for me.  First, it serves as an offsite storage space.  I used to write in journals primarily.  However, over the years I became more comfortable writing on the computer than on paper.  Additionally, I have what is possibly the worst handwriting in the world.  Half the time, I can't even read it the next day.  So this is an easy way to write on the spur of the moment (hell, I can even do it on my cell now) and have an automatic backup I don't have to think about. I guess that really just goes to why I use a blog rather than a pad and pen.  Which I guess could be the meaning behind the question.  On the other hand, I'm guessing that what they really want to know is given the jumbled nature of what I write, and that I don't tell anyone about it, why do I bother even doing it?  I have been writing too long to have any delusions that I am going to make any money doing this - hell, the writing that I enjoy doing the most is the least likely to generate any revenue.  I really only do it because I enjoy writing (and feel driven to do it) and because it acts as a purge for me - once I write and post it's out of my head.  Not sure if that makes any sense to anyone other than me, but then again it really doesn't need to.  Nothing makes sense, and everything makes sense.  I often wonder how I got here.  Then I realize it doesn't really matter.  However I got here, I'm still here.  So this is where I have to live, regardless.  Time to get back to now.

wandering...

Hoping to get a bit of writing done tonight, but not sure how that is going to go.  That headache is still firmly ensconced in my head (where else would it be?) and getting  worse by the minute.  I was going to take something to knock me out so I could sleep for a bit, but I should probably figure out what is causing it instead.  These things are pretty much always mental for me.  Maybe half a sleeping pill, just so I can focus a bit.

Who knows?  In the meantime, here's an Enon video I came across.  I'm pretty sure I've mentioned the song ("Come Into") before, so I won't go through all that again.  You can just watch it if you'd like. Or not.  I think I should lay down for a few, see you when I get back.

Enough of that.

Beware the ides of March

Yet another beautiful day here in South California.  I woke up this morning.  That in and of itself should be enough.  Added to that, I arrived at today remarkably balanced, a real even kneel thing going on.  That's a bit surprising, given how the last couple weeks have been...a veritable roller coaster.  It had gotten to the point where it was difficult to focus on anything at all, and I was unsure of how to react to even the simplest situations.

I finally came back to myself around 3 a.m. Friday night/Saturday morning, with a little help from my best friend.  When I got back, I was amazed at what I had just been, how far I had drifted away.

Anyway, enough of that for now, let's get to a little music.  It's a sunny day out, and a beautiful 70 degrees.  Sitting out in the back yard now, drinking a glass of what may very well be the best iced tea ever.  All that and some new music?  First up?

Modest Mouse - Florida.  Yes, the new Modest Mouse album (We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank) is finally out.  Yes, Johnny Marr (of Smiths fame) is now in the band.  Do I like the new album?  I think so.  It has been a little more difficult for me to get into then their previous works, but that's not usually a bad thing - it often seems that some of my favorite albums are ones that I don't really like that much when I first listen to them.  Actually, movies are somewhat the same for me.  I love the Coen brothers' movies, but the ones I like the least now (Raising Arizona, Fargo) were movies that I loved the first time I saw them, whereas the ones I didn't particularly like the first time I saw them (The Man Who Wasn't There, Barton Fink, The Big Lebowski) are now among my favorites.  Just in case you think I'm setting up a rule here, I loved Miller's Crossing the first time I saw it, and it is still my favorite.  Anyway, what was I talking about?  The new Modest Mouse.  I think the addition of Marr to the band is a great thing, giving the band a certain something that was previously lacking, although I'm not sure what it is.  I right a little more about the whole album later.  Anyway, Florida is a good showcase for that, fast (which I always love) and full of Marr's guitar work.  Favorite line?  "I could have my mind erased, and still not know exactly what I don't already know."

Sugar - And You Tell Me.  I've been listening to a lot of Sugar the last couple of days.  Bob Mould has managed to create a lot of incredible music throughout the years - in Husker Du, his solo work, Sugar, and again in his solo work.  No matter what band, his songs always have his signature - one of the most passionate voices around and his blistering guitar.  I saw him play at McCabe's guitar shop when he had just released Black Sheets of Rain.  If you haven't been there before, McCabe's is an actual guitar shop, with a bit of a hippie flavor to it, and pretty much always acoustic.  That night is was just Mould and his guitar, but he didn't slow anything down or hold anything back.  It was possibly the most intense show I have ever seen.  And You Tell Me starts off with a slow burn, rising throughout to blistering intensity.  Listen loud.  "And as I feed upon myself, I know it's me and no one else, you know and you know, and you tell me."

Stranglers - Always the Sun.  Not too much I can think of to say about this one at the moment.  If just appeals to me right now.  Now.

Frank Black - Calistan.  Going back to one of his early solo albums, it deals with the past and present in Los Angeles.  As a bonus, there is a video of him playing it acoustic, with an explanation of portions of the song.    Enjoy.

water please...

I could really use more water today...I was unfortunately working all night, and all that coffee has left me parched to say the least. 

God that's a boring start.  Might have something to do with the fact that I'm exhausted, yet can't sleep.  I just stuck here talking to myself in what feels like a monotone loop, the aural equivalent of a test pattern.  This should be an interesting evening.  I think I'm going to need a drink.

Begin a new post...

Music, muzac?  God knows where the fuck I am going to end up tonight...right now, a bit relaxing, as much as this can be, in front of the fire, listening to MDC...nothing like a little hardcore thrash to remind you of where you came from and where you're going to.  Dead Cops... "what makes amerika so straight and me so bad?"

Yes, one of those nights.  Ever feel like just putting your fist through the window...or lighting that car on fire and walking away?  What is the point of it all?  I jumped off one treadmill and jumped onto another.  Which is worse...running along that treadmill to buy yourself that new VCR, or to be running along that treadmill to buy the new VCR for someone else?  Let's leave that for a moment.

Back to the music, eh?

God knows, you're Russian, so Stoli seems like the thing to do.

First (well, I guess actually second) up tonight...Paul Westerberg - Lookin' out forever.  What can I say?  In these dark moments, I reach out to the familar..."The one who loves you most, Is giving up the ghost, and taking to the stage, like a stone on a grave...Yeah I think of her, every once in awhile, forever, I'm lookin' out forever now."

Anyway, on to something else...right?  Best not to think, as we know, that leads to difficulty...

late night music, etc...

C'est n'est pas une blog?  Certainly, or at least not much of one.  I don't know quites what Im still doing up now...took a couple of xanax earlier and should be down, down, down by now.  Instead, I find myself sitting here in front of the fireplace, listening to music much too loud through headphones - don't want to wake the neighbors, but it seemed as though I need some volume at the moment.  It's an odd night for me, so I find myself listening to something I haven't listened to in a long time.  New Order?  I has been quite a long time to say the least, seems like an entirely different universe.

That must have been at least three lives ago.  Possibly four, there were so many back then it was a little difficult see where each one ended and the next one began.  Sometimes a little difficult to tell the differences between them as well.  Sometimes the differences were only internal, leaving the outside person much the same.  That's the time that it seems a shame to have lost the notebooks, really the only key.  On the other hand, it may be best to leave all of that a mystery.

Blue Monday.  I'm trying to think of a memory of hearing it.  First time, last time, any time.  I'm thinking the first time must have been with the painter - but really that's just a guess.  Confusion?  Other than the usual feeling I have, the rest is a blank.  I'll guess her as well.

something or other...

Not sure what this is going to end up being today, so I've assigned it all of the usual categories.  Anyway...

I had an epiphany this morning.  I realized I had fallen into an old trap of my own making.  Generally, I have a pretty keen grip on reality, and understand that the world isn't going to change to suit me.  But lately, it seems, I have been thinking that the world was going to change to suit me, to be what I wanted to be - and that's a dangerous train of thought.  When you think you can change the world, you think that you can have whatever you want.  This is belief in power as well, and as you should know, power attempts to fill a vacuum, whether the vacuum is real or simply perceived (fn. Just ask Al "As of now, I am in control here in the White House." Haig). 

Strangely, most people think they can change the world.  That accounts for most of the flailing about you see every day.  But then I remembered, I can't change the world. There is  really only one thing I can control - myself.  Lately, I was looking at the puzzle all wrong.   

Here is the essence of the puzzle: There are two things here, me and the world.  The goal is to make these two things co-exist, more or less peacefully.  There are two options.  (a) I can try to make the world do what I want it to; or (b) I can make myself accept the world as it is.   Whichever solution I choose, the equation is balanced the same way - on one side there is one object (me) and on the other side there are trillions of objects (the world).  I've been trying to work the problem using option (a).  But a corollary of Occam's razor should have been guiding me.   When faced with trying to change a trillion things or trying to change one thing, the solution is obvious.  You change one thing.

So, what do I do now?  Start by looking at the junctures between myself and the world that I want to change.  When I examine them, I realize these bridges are the source of pain and imbalance.  Why?  They're based on fantasy, on dreams, and when I try to live in a dream, I'm disappointed with life.  Why?  Because I inevitably compare my dream to reality, and find they aren't the same. 

Instead, I should be embracing what I have, rather than hoping for more.  I had been hoping for a different day, but now that I look at the day I have, it's an incredible day. The sky is a beautiful blue, the sun is up, and I'm sitting alone on the quiet back patio, having a cup of coffee, having a very good cup of coffee, looking up at the hillside.  Although I should probably be working at the moment, I have the freedom to sit here and spend the morning writing, which is what I love.  I can disconnect from the work day, chuck the cell phones in a drawer, resist the urge to check my email, and do this instead. 

And that's what I'm going to do.  The phones are chucked, the email is closed, and only the day is in front of me.  Stop thinking about what I want, and look at the riches I have right here in front of me.  I'm going to take a walk, be back in a few.

...

Which brings me back to a book I read no too long ago - "Wanting Enlightenment Is a Big Mistake" by Seung Sahn.  The point of the book, I think (but don't trust me on this, I'm hardly a Zen master, if you haven't figured that out already) is that when you spend all your time seeking "enlightenment" (or whatever you may call it) you'll never achieve it.  The reason is that enlightenment is really the appreciation of life itself, and when you spend your time pursuing a vision (dream) of what you think enlightenment is, you miss the reality of life and the beauty that exists there already.  Maybe another way of saying it is that you don't need to search for "enlightenment" because it's always there - you just need to stop and see it. 

I can see that I'm not doing a good job explaining this.  But then again, maybe that's the point.  It's not really something I can explain, it's something you have to experience yourself. 

...

It's funny.  When I think about what I tend to write here, I realize you see only a tiny sliver of me.  If you were to meet me in real life, you wouldn't recognize me.  I'm known to my friends as a generally happy and funny person.  A little odd, granted, but someone people are glad to see show up.  I'm rarely depressed.  I don't get into fights, don't hold grudges.  I guess writing here is my way of working through things and purging my demons. 

...

A few songs today, not much to say about them at the moment.

Husker Du - All this I've done for you.  " Should I talk to the mirror, should I talk to a wall, should I even talk at all."

Lloyd Cole - Mister Malcontent. "Cut off my nose despite my face, and I will not more longer wait, or should I laugh or should I cry. as I become all I despise."